finding yourself

There’s a lot of trouble nowadays among the young ones when it comes to finding the right career. I for one can say that I was a little lost, and sometimes still feel like I am, because I’m not attending to a boss, an office, or don’t have legitimate “work” five times a week. I have no moody higher ups or clients to rant about or phone calls I’d like to avoid during the weekends. It’s a blessing, really, to not have these hassles in my life anymore. But why do I feel like I’m the uneasy one? The abnormal one? The unstable one because I’m no longer hassled?

It’s a little confusing sometimes, trying to start your own thing and building your own “dream job” — the dream job of being able to put all the things you love doing in your life together, and making something of it. There’s a whole lot of support coming from friends and family, but there’s a lot of doubt, uncertainty and fear from the self. Sometimes, you even get this feeling from others, those that seem to be stable, those that know how to manoeuvre their life and actually already know their destination. I understand that feeling though, thinking about someone who’s unemployed without any sure plan. As part of the work force you feel like you’re safe and that you’re doing something with your life, whether or not you love it. As long as you have work and “direction,” you’re better than the unemployed one.

I used to think, This is reality. You have to work and deal with shit, and you need to work now and start now to survive. Plan your life already or you’ll screw yourself over. There’s no time to waste. Decide on a career and get on with it.

I needed to be safe, to just be employed. But once I got out and jumped to the other side of the spectrum, weirdly enough, the feeling became a little heavier and lighter at the same time.

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Sometimes I feel alone because I no longer have co-workers. Sometimes I feel ashamed because I don’t work for a company. Sometimes I’m worried because I’m relying on whatever savings I have, with no salary on the 15th and 30th. Sometimes I’m in a rut, thinking of what to do next, forcing myself to do something or else I won’t get anything. Sometimes I find myself having spare time, and I panic, because I actually have time for R&R.

It’s really weird, this place. There are so many highs and lows, blurry roads, unsure decisions to make. I’m in the greyest of grey areas. And sometimes I just don’t know what to feel anymore because it’s a bit confusing.

But despite the blur and all the feeling, there’s just one thing I am sure about. I’m sure this is the struggle I’m suppose to be in. Why? I don’t know, but the feeling of doing what I like (with a small online business and a few side projects), makes me feel like myself the most. I feel heavy with life’s pressures, but feel light inside because I guess that’s how it is when you’re going the right way.

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So I read. I read a lot about pursuing passion, a business and anything that would help me become stronger and more persistent with whatever it is I want to do.

Here’s a a transcribed Ted talk that I came across entitled “Why Some of Us Don’t Have One True Calling.” After reading this I felt good because I know that feeling of being unsure of what I want to be, or not having a name for it. I know there are other people with not just one true calling, not one great career, but multiple, maybe smaller, better ones. It doesn’t make having one great career any less, but having multiple mini ones is actually something that exists and is normal. It’s a good reminder to us all, to those who are a little lost and can’t seem to decide. We just all have different destinations in this life, and to be able to acknowledge it is a bit hard sometimes, especially if the destination is not one, but many, that’s why we force ourselves into things we do not love, things that make us miserable.

If you do have a goal in mind, one you’ve been thinking of and dreaming of since you were a kid, that’s great. I am truly happy and slightly envious of the determination and work that you’re able to do towards the dream.

But if you’re like me, more of the a bit of this, a bit of that type of person, I guess we shouldn’t worry. Instead, we should embrace the “multipotentialite” inside of us, be the best we can in everything we do, and we’ll be appreciated just the same. It might be a bit of a rough start especially if we’re trying to build our dream job of multiple mini careers, but if we love it, the work will just come naturally and all insecurities, forgotten.

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